Today was 'not' a Fairytale....

Day 1 without Chris:

It's pretty strange to even mention that phrase. Unpleasant actually. It's not anything I expected or anticipated. It just... happened. And for so many stupid reasons. So many reasons that I would say being my fault. It's life though. We'll move on. Or will I? Can I? I don't know if I can. I won't do anything stupid or unthinkable... it's just... I don't know. I've taken so many steps forward with him. So far as to introducing him to my family! Mi familia!!! Where has that all gone now? I've taken so many steps back now. Who knows if I'll ever go that far again, with anyone. I don't want there to be anyone else though. That's the problem. If I was to write a CD about Chris, I am not quite sure what the songs would be, but the title would be something like Mariah Carey's Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel and Kelly Clarksons All I Ever Wanted. Lets just call it..

"Memoirs of All I Ever Wanted"

Sounds fair? right? It's not though. it's not fair at all. So MUCH happened last night. I lost my boyfriend, and I lost my best friend (JP). Well, hopefully I didn't lose him, but once again, the roommate experience was at its most uncomfortable stage. It was the point where everyone realized that everyone talked about everyone. Better yet, I think everyone knew they talked about eachother, but last night it just spilled out. And it all started because of me. and that STUPID futon. I should just burn it, but my things would probably go along with it. Yikes. So yea, roommate and I had a fallout last night. He's never raised his voice like that to me, ever. That was a bigger fallout than Travis and I had a couple of years ago, my first year in Park Hall. That was settled quickly, because we realized we needed eachother. JP has Jesse. He doesn't need me. I need him though. I need him badly. There's no one to talk to about this. Except myself. There's no room to talk though, I'm just sittin here picking up the pieces, trying to put them together.

It was such a perfect life, such a perfect releationship. For me it was perfect. His mind, his body, his life.. it was everything I looked for. And I found it. But he called me a quitter last night. I couldn't help but laugh, but it didn't strike me as funny. He was right. I am a quitter. Not in life, never have I quit in life. My job, my family, sports, ect... I've never quit.... but him, I quit :-( So I did... I quit in life. He was my life.

I'm running out of words, because sooner or later I'll just sound like I'm repeating myself. It's too much, something I've never anticipated, like I said earlier. My sister is coming down to Muncie tonight. I cannot wait to see her, but it still won't take my mind off one thing......

Well here is to the official restart of my blog. Bloggers, enjoy.